Up On That Mountain

This is a story about a woman who was called to be a Fitness Teacher/Gospel Preacher. She was a woman who craved love from a father that practically ignored her during her childhood…turned her away when she wanted hugs and goodnight kisses. This woman sought that love she craved from any man who’d have her, no matter what the cost. 

This woman was raped, got pregnant from that traumatic experience, and suffered a miscarriage. Some people would say that that was a “good thing.” I beg to differ. Any loss of a child is tragic and heartbreaking, no matter the circumstance. 

This woman, in her deepest depression, found the only thing that could save her from certain death. She found God’s saving grace and mercy through Jesus Christ (Acts 4:12).

This woman who’s passion it is to encourage other women; to help them know their identity and worth through exercise and movement. A woman who wants to grow in her faith, searched for a way to put faith and fitness together (Romans 12:1). This woman found Revelation Wellness online through an IG post by PrayFit; and was eventually nudged by God to become a Revelation Wellness Instructor. 

This woman is me; and this is #myrevstory. 

One year ago today, I embarked on a journey up a mountain in Williams, Arizona. God brought me to Revelation Wellness, and ultimately to that mountain to become what I thought was just a Revelation Wellness Instructor. What He had planned was much more than I could ever hope or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

There was so much fear and anxiety, excitement and enthusiasm, as I stepped out of my comfort zone into the unknown. What I came back from that mountain with was not what I was expecting. 

Up on that mountain, my soul was stirred. My eyes were lifted. My mind was beginning to be transformed. I broke a few chains of bondage up there as well. The image I had of God the Father was enlightened. He drew me close and whispered, “I am your Father; you are my daughter.”

I whispered back to Him, “Abba Father, I am yours!” He held me close and I could feel His arms wrapped around me…I could feel His love. He had no conditions. No shameful rhetoric. I felt no guilt. I was refreshed and renewed (Matthew 11:28).

No one wants to come down from that mountain. I sure didn’t.

But of course, I had to get back to my family; my life in this broken world. I thought that was it. I thought, “Ok God, You did a good work in me. I am so thankful!” But that wasn’t the end. It was only the beginning. Little did I know that He was going to bring me deeper into my old self…deeper into the pain of my past so I could forgive and heal my body, mind and spirit. It’s not just your mind and spirit that suffer from emotional pain and abuse. That pain also gets stuck in your body. It makes us sick when bad news gets stuck inside of good bodies. 

For the last year, my spirit kept seeking God, but my mind and body weren’t going along for the ride. I drifted into a dark place, eventually losing my footing and falling into a pit. This all culminated in June after sending my middle child off on a mission trip to England. I wanted to end the pain I was feeling. I drew from past experience and thought the only way out was to end my life. The thoughts I had were dark and unforgiving. My enemy had his foothold. He wasn’t letting go. 

I felt alone in my suffering; shameful that I felt this way as a Christian. Feeling guilty that I might be hurting the people I loved most in this world, but unable to forgive my past or myself. 

I have to be honest; I didn’t want to seek help. I really didn’t. That might be wrong of me, or even selfish. I didn’t want to face my demons. BUT GOD!! God knew this wasn’t the end of my story. He blew His horn of righteousness and help began trickling in. First it was a friend who called me out after seeing my many posts on IG about coming undone. Then through a friend who confronted me face to face and wouldn’t let up until I spoke the truth of what was going on within me. Then through my husband, who promised to do anything he could to help pull me up and out. God put in place the people and resources I needed to start my journey back up that mountain. I am so grateful (Psalm 18:6).

In her book, The Wellness Revelation (pg. 75), Alisa Keeton writes about being in a cocoon. A caterpillar builds itself a cocoon in order to transform into a beautiful butterfly. She adds, “We need cocoons occasionally. We need times to visit the dark places and do what is hard so that new and beautiful things can emerge.” Oh how I can relate to this right now in my life! I’m in my cocoon…trying to work through those dark places; to shine God’s light on them and bring them out into the open, to expose them; to heal them (2 Corinthians 4:6). I know this time I am not alone. My husband, my friends, my family and, most importantly, my God, is with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me (Deuteronomy 3:18). 

I write this story in hopes that other women will know that they are not alone in their struggles and suffering. There is no guilt and shame in asking for help. We can’t do this life alone. We were made for relationship. We were made for a purpose that will give God the glory (2 Timothy 1:9; Exodus 9:16). My hope and prayer is that if you do feel alone, that you reach out to your Father in Heaven! He will answer your call for help (Jeremiah 29:13).