truth and honesty
I wrote the following blog post way back in June...I just got brave enough to publish it. Since this post, I have sought after, and found, a therapist to talk this out with, and have told a handful of people. Some days are still hard to navigate, but I think the crisis has past...at least I hope so.
June, 2018:
it goes without saying that truth and honesty are paramount in any relationship...especially THE relationship...my relationship with Jesus.
to be honest and truthful is certainly comforting, but it is, at the same time, uncomfortable.
when i think about these things, i can't breathe. i'm weepy, snapping at things/people, anxious, ungrounded. i can't seem to be really honest with anyone. maybe that's fear of how they'd look at me if i were honest and truthful.
i am literally coming undone, and no one sees it. no one sees me.
i am numb. feelings come, and i want to cry...to have that release, but as soon as it wells up...it's gone again.
i just want to stop. get off the ride. i hate the feeling of being buried alive. i can't get out. i'm stuck.
is this depression? is this where i'm at now? i am so not happy with where i'm living...with how i'm living...
i love my husband and boys. so much. i just cannot muster up the JOY to enjoy them....to fight for this life that has been given me. the day to day is hard. and i feel my heart getting harder.
i want so badly to move. to be able to have the privacy from my father in law that our own place would bring...for each of my boys to have their own bedroom...to live in a house that's not constantly and persistently under reconstruction. endless projects started and unfinished.
i miss Jill. i don't think i've stopped long enough to really grieve. i sometimes wish it was Steve that died, not Jill. is that horrible?
Stephen is in England and i miss him fiercely. i don't think he even misses me in the slightest. it breaks my heart.
Nick will be driving soon...then graduating high school in two years. he'll be gone before we know it.
Jacob is still having behavioral issues. it's placing huge rifts in our family. i don't think therapy is helping him. praying for a breakthrough! is it because he remembers when he was 3 how they all got along so well? maybe he misses that time too.
one day, i found myself researching how much amlodipine would be fatal. and if i took enough, along with sleeping pills, i'd never wake up.
i'm not ok.
"it's ok not to be okay." ~ Sheila Walsh
June, 2018:
it goes without saying that truth and honesty are paramount in any relationship...especially THE relationship...my relationship with Jesus.
to be honest and truthful is certainly comforting, but it is, at the same time, uncomfortable.
when i think about these things, i can't breathe. i'm weepy, snapping at things/people, anxious, ungrounded. i can't seem to be really honest with anyone. maybe that's fear of how they'd look at me if i were honest and truthful.
i am literally coming undone, and no one sees it. no one sees me.
i am numb. feelings come, and i want to cry...to have that release, but as soon as it wells up...it's gone again.
i just want to stop. get off the ride. i hate the feeling of being buried alive. i can't get out. i'm stuck.
is this depression? is this where i'm at now? i am so not happy with where i'm living...with how i'm living...
i love my husband and boys. so much. i just cannot muster up the JOY to enjoy them....to fight for this life that has been given me. the day to day is hard. and i feel my heart getting harder.
i want so badly to move. to be able to have the privacy from my father in law that our own place would bring...for each of my boys to have their own bedroom...to live in a house that's not constantly and persistently under reconstruction. endless projects started and unfinished.
i miss Jill. i don't think i've stopped long enough to really grieve. i sometimes wish it was Steve that died, not Jill. is that horrible?
Stephen is in England and i miss him fiercely. i don't think he even misses me in the slightest. it breaks my heart.
Nick will be driving soon...then graduating high school in two years. he'll be gone before we know it.
Jacob is still having behavioral issues. it's placing huge rifts in our family. i don't think therapy is helping him. praying for a breakthrough! is it because he remembers when he was 3 how they all got along so well? maybe he misses that time too.
one day, i found myself researching how much amlodipine would be fatal. and if i took enough, along with sleeping pills, i'd never wake up.
i'm not ok.
"it's ok not to be okay." ~ Sheila Walsh
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