feeling all the feels...
"For as he thinks within himself, so he is." Proverbs 23:7 (NASB)
Depression comes in all shapes and forms. It's a feeling of utter despair. It can be mild or severe...ultimately taking your life. What drives a person to that extreme? Why would anyone who has a life to live and people who love them want to end that life? I don't have the answers to what others have gone through before or after me. All I know is that I too felt that the only way out was to die. Those were the only thoughts that permeated my brain. When and how were the only questions ruminating in my thoughts. Contemplating and researching the 'how'; planning and trying to come up with the right 'when'. It's a scary place to be.
No one even suspected. No one saw me. Truly saw me. ME. Not the mom of the boys, not the wife of the husband, not the friend of a friend...the real me. The hurting me. The me that needed to scream out that I couldn't go on like this anymore. The me that needed real help...
Until one day after many desperate posts on IG, a friend messaged me. "I see you," she had written. She tried convincing me to seek help. But I put that thought aside. I didn't want to look at that darkness. I didn't want to bring it into the light. Then another dear friend, at church on a Wednesday evening, called me out. She knew something wasn't right. She saw through my false face of "I'm ok."
I couldn't hold it in any longer. I confessed my suicidal thoughts and plans. I felt so guilty and ashamed. She pressed on, trying to convince me to seek help, but most of all to tell my husband. He had a right to know.
So many thoughts raced through my head that night...I shouldn't have told anyone. I should've just went through with it. Why did she have to see me? Why can't I remain invisible? What now? I couldn't hide anymore. My friend persisted, day after day, until I called someone to seek out therapy. And again, until I told my husband. That took such effort, I was drained for days. My secret was out. It was in the light. The road back to what would be my authentic self will be hard to navigate. I have been hiding behind this facade for so long, I cannot remember who I am.
I do know however, that I am a daughter of the King of kings! I am a child of God! He knows who I am and why I'm here. He will guide my path with His light. I need only draw near to Him and ask Him for what I need. That is not always easy.
I still struggle some days. I'm not done with whatever this is. I will continue to uncover it, and bring it out into the light, so the healing can come.
"For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light." Ephesians 5:8 (NIV)
Depression comes in all shapes and forms. It's a feeling of utter despair. It can be mild or severe...ultimately taking your life. What drives a person to that extreme? Why would anyone who has a life to live and people who love them want to end that life? I don't have the answers to what others have gone through before or after me. All I know is that I too felt that the only way out was to die. Those were the only thoughts that permeated my brain. When and how were the only questions ruminating in my thoughts. Contemplating and researching the 'how'; planning and trying to come up with the right 'when'. It's a scary place to be.
No one even suspected. No one saw me. Truly saw me. ME. Not the mom of the boys, not the wife of the husband, not the friend of a friend...the real me. The hurting me. The me that needed to scream out that I couldn't go on like this anymore. The me that needed real help...
Until one day after many desperate posts on IG, a friend messaged me. "I see you," she had written. She tried convincing me to seek help. But I put that thought aside. I didn't want to look at that darkness. I didn't want to bring it into the light. Then another dear friend, at church on a Wednesday evening, called me out. She knew something wasn't right. She saw through my false face of "I'm ok."
I couldn't hold it in any longer. I confessed my suicidal thoughts and plans. I felt so guilty and ashamed. She pressed on, trying to convince me to seek help, but most of all to tell my husband. He had a right to know.
So many thoughts raced through my head that night...I shouldn't have told anyone. I should've just went through with it. Why did she have to see me? Why can't I remain invisible? What now? I couldn't hide anymore. My friend persisted, day after day, until I called someone to seek out therapy. And again, until I told my husband. That took such effort, I was drained for days. My secret was out. It was in the light. The road back to what would be my authentic self will be hard to navigate. I have been hiding behind this facade for so long, I cannot remember who I am.
I do know however, that I am a daughter of the King of kings! I am a child of God! He knows who I am and why I'm here. He will guide my path with His light. I need only draw near to Him and ask Him for what I need. That is not always easy.
I still struggle some days. I'm not done with whatever this is. I will continue to uncover it, and bring it out into the light, so the healing can come.
"For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light." Ephesians 5:8 (NIV)
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