Wednesday, May 12, 2010

feelings...

sometimes i wish i didn't have any.  really.  how can someone say something so terrible to you and not even think about how it affected your feelings? 

a little background...
my grandmother passed away about 3 years ago this month...just around mother's day.  her birthday is this month as well.  as many of you know, this was my first mother's day without my mom, as she passed away on June 2, 2009. 

my grandmother's youngest daughter...my aunt...called me today.  she hasn't really been able to get over her mother's death, and frequently calls me to cry on my shoulder and pray with her.  this is not the issue though.
i don't mind hearing my aunt out, praying with her and for her, reminiscing about my grandmother..it's really nice actually. 

however, today my aunt said something that really did not sit right with me.  she told me that i was not that close to my mom...that i was never as close to my mom as she was to her mom.  WHAT??  how dare she tell me what kind of relationship my mother and i had!!  how would she know?  no, i did not live with my mom; no, i did not see my mom every day; no, i did not speak to my mom every day.  but i spoke to her and saw her on a regular basis.  we spent quality time together.  i thought about her every day.  i loved her dearly and i know she loved me. 

just because you are not physically with someone on a daily basis, doesn't mean you were not close to them!
it's just different. wether you are with them physically, or talk to them on the phone every day, or see them once a week, or think of them daily....when they are gone, you miss them...there is an emptiness that you feel. 

i didn't tell this to my aunt.  i just let her talk on and on and on...it hurt me so much.  but that's what i do.
i close down when it comes to my family.  i let them talk their talk.  then i get to stuff my anger and resentment and it comes out later in some other unrelated issue.  ugh!  why do i let her get to me like that? 
i have done this my whole life.  why can't i just stand up to her?

i am thinking of writing her a letter.  but i don't want to hurt her feelings.  that's the difference....she doesn't care who's feelings get hurt when she speaks her mind.  but if someone tells her how they feel, wow!  let the fight begin! 

this is a tough time of year for our family.  i'm trying to get through it the best i know how...in prayer and sharing with my dear hubby.  but listening to my aunt go on about her grief, like it was the worst grief in the world and no one could ever feel as bad as she does, just made me angry.  i don't like me when i'm angry. 
so i write...and hopefully, i will be able to sleep tonight!

3 comments:

  1. ugh. that stinks. I would consider me and a few of my family members close even though I don't see them every day. I think you just "know." There is a great peace knowing that you can call/text/go visit whenever you need them. I would be a different person without my Aunt Mary, Uncle Joe, Mom Peg and Uncle Steve. You betcha I'd miss them SOOO much if they weren't "there." I don't think anyone other than that person in a relationship knows that feeling.
    Quite frankly there are family members I see much more regularly, but they wouldn't even register on my radar if I needed something. We're not close.
    I know it's easy for me to say don't let it bug you. However, I'm the same way. I had to have a conversation in which I had to correct my Grandmother 2 months ago and it took all i had. It was worth it though, and she doesn't hate me. I think she got what I had been hinting at for months.
    Let go...and Let God. right? So much easier said than done.
    :)-K

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  2. I am sorry; your aunt is being very foolish! I love you, Mary Anne, and you can talk to me anytime you want to. I'm really sorry she said those things. She is wrong.

    love,Jan

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  3. Oh Mare- I'm so sorry! I wish people would think before they speak! Maybe that wouldn't help though, as some people I've come across have NO idea when it comes to putting themselves in someone else's shoes or thinking about their feelings. I hope you sleep well and wake restored!

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