Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The Black Hole of Motherhood...

I feel that I've entered a sort of "black hole" in my life. I'm tired all the time, even when I get enough sleep...which doesn't happen often these days. Either my husband is snoring to beat the band, or my boys are sick.
My body and face are showing my age. I have "old lady" hands!
My mothering duties have taken over my life. My hobbies have all but disappeared into the background. I cannot even read a magazine article without several interruptions.
My chores around the house are never-ending, especially LAUNDRY! I should open a laundramat!
I cannot remember the last time hubby and I went on an actual date, other than to grab a quick lunch or coffee while out running errands.
My voice seems like it's become just "white noise" to those around me, especially my boys, who seem to think "stop" means "go" and vice versa!
Going out with "the girls" is non-existent, and my best "gal pal" is my mother-in-law, whom I talk with almost daily. This isn't a bad thing in and of itself, but when combined with the above, is quite pitiful to me.
I've entered the black hole of motherhood.
Most of the moms I know with children in the same age group as mine are 10-20 years younger than I; and the women that are my age, either don't have children or their children are grown.
When my boys are in school, other moms are either working or homeschooling.
It seems I lack comminality with most.
This is my last year as a mother of a preschooler. My church canceled MOPS this year, and I so looked forward to going.
There's a void in me...a black hole.
I long for a close friendship with someone other than my husband or mother-in-law. A female counterpart whom I can share tea and sympathy with...perhaps "sympathy" is too strong a word. Because I don't need sympathy.
It would be nice to have a gal pal to go to the gym with me, to have coffee at the bookstore once in a while, to catch a chick flick with, or just to chat about daily trials, struggles and successes.
With every passing year, this seems farther away. The void gets wider; the hole deeper.
Don't get me wrong, I absolutely LOVE my awesome husband and my three wonderful sons!
But a woman needs another woman to inspire her, to laugh with her, to mentor her, to console her, to understand her...
...that's all.

(In honor of this post, I have changed the title of my blog from "Vertically Challenged" to "The Black Hole of Motherhood.")

7 comments:

  1. Mary Anne,
    I hear you loud and clear. I am stuck in a rut in life as well. I do have a very close friend but she is in NC and we do talk daily and if not for her I am not sure how my heart would handle things. I also love my family dearly but find my slef hating them at the same time. I unlike you and a young mom and everyone with kids my kids ages are older than me and well established in life financially and such. I am always down and feel very stressed out 99.9 % of the time. I feel much older than I am and hate that feeling. It is easy to see how families fall apart in the young years bc I do not see Miah and I ever having real "time" with each other. I yell alot bc I am stressed and like you said no one even seems to hear me or respond!! I think it is life and more moms than you know or are willing to admit go through the same things. I also miss MOPS by the way, it helped me vent and I feel like be connected to other moms.
    Anyhow I feel you and will pray for you if you will for me bc I know we can all use it. I am more than willing to meet you for coffee, if we can get our schedules to align.
    HUGS, Liz

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  2. Oh ladies - ditto, ditto and ditto! Hugs to you both and you're not alone. When I feel this way in the future, I will think of you both and stop right there and pray for you. God does see us and hear us, and I believe He is showing us something right now, so we can reach out to other women at another time in our lives. Every "bad" thing, every trial God has brought me through, has led to something beyond-my-dreams-amazing.
    Love and hugs to you both!!

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  3. Mare, I love you! If we lived closer I would be your "gal pal"!

    That being said, I completely understand how you feel as I felt that way for years. I prayed daily that God would send me a gal pal and although it took longer than I would have liked, God answered my prayers and blessed me with not only a gal pal, but a "sister". I'm praying that He blesses you with a sister as well!

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  4. I don't have any words, except I just wanted you to know I care and am praying for you. I can't relate, because I am still in the stage where I can go to playgroups and things to meet people.
    My mother started volunteering when her youngest started school, and made friends that way, but I know she would definitely relate, never having close friends living near at all.

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  5. Thank you ladies...your comments mean a lot to me.

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  6. Mare, I can totally relate. I know that I have a full time job, but there are no friendships there. Once I leave work I don't speak to those people again until the next work day. I do have my wonderful sister to talk to on the phone as she lives in Co, and a wonderful friend who lives in NC. So on nights when everyone here is doing their thing, I am alone. It is crazy how you can feel alone in a house full of people. When my oldest daughter calls and wants to come over to do laundry I am estatic. Another girl to talk to, but not my age.
    I will keep you in my prayers, and I too shall pray for you a "sister" as Darcy is.
    ((((HUGS))))

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  7. You so need to come over for coffeeing. That's what my neighbor and I call it. It's random and so are the topics...lately its wedding..sometimes its kids sometimes it's just coffee:) Sometimes in my house, sometimes I trek ALL THE WAY NEXTDOOR:) (huge commute:)
    I have a similar, but reverse situation, that has followed me somehow through my entire life. I rarely have friends my own age. Other than my 16yo sister, I'm the youngest in my bridal party...with the oldest being 21 years older:) My HS/college friends are just having their first babies...and although we're not married yet...and most of them are...they aren't the type of wives I want to be. I'm traditionally the 'old fart"...oh well:)
    We shall discuss our next coffeeing:)
    You do like coffee right? lol

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